I used to have a sort of mental image of the disease causing my body to consume itself and that as more was eaten, the more difficult it was to stop and the less there was of me left. Every full-on relapse, every bad few days, every incident … all doing a bit more damage … all making me a bit less me, and a bit more disease.
That sort of thinking is very self fulfilling !
It is a very negative mind set. You think of yourself as a victim. Something is happening to you and you can’t control it. It controls you !
It controls what happens to you, it controls what you can and can’t do. You don’t live properly any more, you just retreat into what you feel is left of yourself … and you wait.
I don’t think like that any more … (even though sometimes it isn’t easy not to …)
I’ve read things, some related to MS and others not, talked to people (including my consultant) and thought about it … and now, I have a new mental image.
I see a small plane, flying high above the clouds in the sun. Sometimes the plane dips down and flies closer to the clouds. Every now and then the plane actually dips down into the clouds and flies down there for a while. Then it pops back up and returns to flying high.
I am the plane. The clouds are the damage that has been done to my system. As long as I am healthy, rested, calm and stick to my programme, I fly high and symptom free. I’m fairly resilient and all is good.
However, if I get tired, if I start to feel too harassed, if I get a virus, if I don’t get some sun … I don’t fly so high.
If I get get tired and stressed, or I’m tired and I get a virus of some description I then, maybe, get so low that I end up dipping below the level of the clouds and start getting symptoms of varying nastiness.
Then I rest, I meditate more, I calm down … and as I calm down the symptoms calm down and after a few weeks, I’m back up out of the clouds and flying cheerfully along once more.
I’ve been pretty good on the food. No meat that isn’t fish. No dairy. A bit of convenience has slipped in but that can be got rid of again fairly easily. I supplement with flax oil, vitamin B complex and vitamin D (5000 iu a day). I also write in my journal, if not every day then at least every other day.
I have not, however, managed to be so good with other aspects. Sleep – I don’t get enough. Nowhere near enough actually. General rest, I’d like a bit more of that too. Exercise, I hardly do any ! Meditation, occasional, but not regular. Sitting in front of my small sun lamp for 10 minutes – again not enough.
Some aspects, I do really well. Some I do really badly.
I need to improve. I need to keep out of the clouds.